The questinable truth, where disillusion meets a normal sunday
Im home, Im alive, I try to make things normal again. As normal as they can get, seeing I have to visit St. Olav twice a week, then there is the big dreaded follow-ups every third month at Haukeland. That sounds all feasible, and it is, but add to that a constant reminder of how amazingly lucky Ive been throughout this whole ordeal. I have to remind myself, you are alive, you are alive, you are alive you lucky son of a bitch, and chances are, you are gonna live to see another year. Another year, Im not sure how I can let you in on how far ahead that is for me, and how hard it is for me to digest the mere thought of it.
If you think its been sad & gory ride so far, braze yourself, you are about to witness the possibilities of a mental break down, or a re-arranging of the top floor so thorough, you might not recognize the man behind the words. I told you in one of the first sunday posts how little time I had between the diagnose & the start of the treatment, but you might not grasp how much I had to lock out in that 24 hour time frame. Cause thats what I had, *boom* You got AML *ffwd 24 hours* you find yourself attached to the porcelain god, throwing up like you've never done before. Alot had to go, for me to even find strength to get through the war, that meant(I was out of options, this had to be my way) disconnect from most of the things I value. Life, family, friends, good eats, drinks, anything that made me happy. Anything *not* related to me dealing with the hour I was in was a needed casualty. I could not see my family or friends, or read their very heart warming messages without feeling like I would loose the little control I had.
Its been 6 months, every time I had a good period, I saved up any surplus for the rainy day, cause it would come. And I wouldnt put much money on this being over just yet, so when should I start to enjoy it, let my shoulders down?! I know I should enjoy the extra time I've got, and Im really trying, but bare in mind, for me to enjoy life, that means including the people I love. Boy could that be a can of worms, 6 months of locking them out, all for the greater good, and now I need to open the lid ever so lightly, just let it breath for a small moment at a time. Trust me on this, if I open it all up, I'll admit myself to a nutter ward come evening. Talking to someone helps, but seeing a specialist/shrink on this might not be what Im after, or need. Granted he/she might be top of their class, with years of experience in the field, but do they *really* know how it is going through it? Im going with no on that one, unless they actually have, but finding a shrink thats actually had the joy ride, wow, I think my chances are greater in the lottery.
So for now, Im sticking to my approach, I do believe I have enough sanity to spot if this is going belly up. If you spot it before me, hey, I welcome comments, as always. We might not agree, heh, chances are that train left the station many a post ago, no?
Ive taken a few baby steps, first I went from taking an hour at a time, to a day. Now Im actually gonna celebrate xmas & new years with my family and friends. Well, wont be a big party for atleast another 3 months. I need to avoid any big crowd, there might be a tiny little bug that my body just cant handle. I need to use a mask every time I visit places where there are more than oh lets say 10 people. Unless its people I *know* are healthy(and had their shots), then I can actually look a little less silly. Trust me when I say this, I could *not* have picked a worse time to get leukemia. People avoid you when you wear a mask, they look away, they get seriously uncomfortable if they get stuck in an elevator with you. "He got the swine flu, omg!!!"
Ive stopped telling people its cancer, why should I excuse myself? Why?! Ive pondered on painting fawked up statements on the mask, just for kicks, I will do it at some point. Its getting tiresome...
So on this chilly, but very nice sunday evening, what am I doing? Im catching up on all the tv Ive missed out on the last month and a half. Therapeutic? Hardly, but its what I would do if my life was normal. I am a sofa buff, and I do love me a good tv series or movie. That to me is what sundays are for, relax, recoup & slowly get yourself ready for next week at the mill. My work schedule is a tad diff than yours, but its still the biggest job I've taken on so far. Not only big, but kinda special, if I get fired.. well, we know the rest.
Enjoy your sunday, whatever you do, and be it alone or with others, enjoy the hell out of it, mkay?!
