So lonely
Ive become more and more depressed the last 2-3 weeks, its a natural feeling they say, and I get that. It still a very odd place to be in, I should be cheering and smiling, but all I feel like doing is sleeping & crying. The last 3 days Ive slept the better part of 2 days, not a natural sleep mind you, I do take sleeping pills. I just want time to pass, let this all be over with. It doesnt help one bit that I struggle to eat, drink, walk, talk, be social or feel awake, and whatever I do(or try to do), I seem to end up in the same downward spiral I tried to get out of.
I have talked to family & docs about perhaps some anti-depressives might help, Im reluctant tho, I feel its just pushing what needs to be dealt with in front of me. Eventually it will pass, I bloody well hope so atleast, cause this all is taking a serious tool on every part of my well being. I have pretty much decided a shrink is out of the question(ref prev posts), there is only so much talk to be done, and Ive talked this over and over and over in my own head. So much so I think talking about it more will only make it worse. I seek distance in watching tv series & the occasional movie, and it does help to get a little time-out from real life, and it kills precious time. Time which I have too much of, ironic aint it? Not that many months ago I didnt know if I had any time left..
I have many things I could do, without wearing myself out physically, but I tend to end up with doing nothing, especially the last 2-3 weeks. And I find that to be incredibly frustrating in addition to being tiresome. The irony doesnt go by unnoticed there either, no matter what direction I choose, I feel Im knocking my head against the same wall. Just the thought of this being month 2, and 6-10 more of the same is enough to knock the wind out of me. This is such a lonely state to be in, having family or friends around is good, for short periodes, but they will never get what its like. The few in my life that get it have enough with coping with their own recovery, atleast thats how I feel, I dont want to force myself on them. I might be way off feeling that way, for all I know, they might be feeling the same.
My older sis, brother in-law & 3 nieces came last night, they are staying for a week at my old mans house. Its good to see them again, and I wish I had more surplus so I could enjoy their company more than I do, but alas. Lil sis is going back to Sweden tomorrow, she followed me home after tonights family dinner. I barely managed to eat before I started feeling sick & dizzy again. So I find myself flat out in the sofa, staring at the darkness that surrounds us during this time of the year. It does match whats going on inside me, for some obscure reason, I do find a little comfort in that.
On a more positive note, a person very close to me is donating bonemarrow to a lucky soul next week, without it the lucky soul would have 0 chance of survival, with the new bonemarrow that increases with 60%! I wont say a name, this process is anonymous, but I will say that Im very proud. I wish more people would step up & become donors, at the very least give blood. Its close to painless, and makes a world of difference. Please consider that to be your new years resolution, give me a reason to smile, make me proud.
