Living on a razors edge, balancing on a ledge
Blood values are on a rise, I wont bore you with the 0.x's, but at
current rate, my life in isolation(aka mkiso *wink* @misstech) is done
in 3-4 days. From there on, I'll be spending time at the ward for X
days, then when things look stable I'll be moved on to the hospital
hotel for a couple weeks with daily check-ups.
celebrating xmas at home with the family. And before I get another
yelling due to my spitting & cussing. I do love them, each & every one
of the silly oddballs. In this case, it might very well be me thats the
oddball, not gonna deny that. But, this is a situation *I* need to go
through. Happy thoughts, kisses, long phone calls & same sms Q&A's
several times a day, does not *work* for me. I dont get better from it,
I dont feel better from it, especially when Im so sick I cant see
straight. Thats why I've asked them on numerous occasions to lay the
fawk low. But we all know how the story of families and boundaries are,
right? So that said, even tho the entire family hurt during this, its
still my struggle. I need the loneliness, I urge it, I feed on it, I
get an energy I havent been able to find elsewhere from it. Non in my
family are like that(apart from my step-mum perhaps?), they love to be
social, I dont, most of the time. Anywho, since we found out that the morphine patch I started using on
thursday was the main cause of my constant vomiting & very strange
vomity(sp?) feeling(Ive *never* had such a feeling before). Things have
become better, I still vomit, but atleast now the good post-vomit
feeling lasts me hours, not mere minutes like during the weekend. That
combined with no fever has lowered my overall pain, which in turn gives
me a tad more uptime. Not alot tho, I still fall asleep mid-sentence,
wake up and wonder wth I was on about(this is also a reason why I hate
to respond to sms's, apart from hating sms in general), so far(in this
post) Ive fallen asleep 7 times I think. Very hard to keep track, very
hard to give a damn. If there is a hint of a red line in the posts I
do, Im more than content. /me scrolls up to see wth started that rant Ahhh yes, it looks like Roffen(bro) wont get any whoop arse for xmas
this year, his boys done good. Still early days tho, let me throw you
some numbers, so you have an idea whats going through my mind(and
*every* single day years to come).. Before the bonemarrow transplant, I had a 50/50 chance of survival
after the first remission(3 rounds of chemo). After the transplant I
get 15 or so extra in my favour. If I have no fall back by the time I
celebrate my 5th birthday, I got a really good chance of becoming a
teenager again(ohh pimples, who havent missed those?!). Happy thoughts? I'll let you be the judge of that, I am slowly going
from taking an hour at a time to the bold place of living a day at a
time. That to me is massive leap I didnt dare to dream of yesterday. "Living on a razors edge, balancing on a ledge, you know, you know"
